We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My vagina just recognized that song.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
