just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
