Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
