A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
