I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize