I'd wear matching sweaters with you
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
