How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
