The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
