Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
