I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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