last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
jump out the window naked night went bad
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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