i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
