My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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