If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
