Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
