Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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