hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
