Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
