My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
