when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize