we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
