We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
