you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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