oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
