what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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