Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
