im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
