I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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