Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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