the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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