OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
