Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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