Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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