Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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