someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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