Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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