carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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