I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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