At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Found the puke drawer
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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