Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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