Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
