Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
