Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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