you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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