just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
