I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
