come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
