so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize