There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize