I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Is Oprah even human
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
