Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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