At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
