Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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