Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Randomize
