I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
