i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
We left an ass print on the piano.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
