Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
