Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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