As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
