im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
