i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
