Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i came on her dog
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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